ABU BAKR AL-BAGHDADI, THE LEADER OF ISIS,
IS KNOWN AS A RUTHLESS GUY TO SAY THE LEAST.
HOWEVER, RECENT INFORMATION EMERGING FROM
A CLOSE CONFIDANT SHOWS HIM TO HAVE A
SURPRISINGLY SOFT SIDE.
Wahid Jabar Abdul Ben Buba Al Yasar Ben Wahoo Hafez
Ben Benhi Kafez Halel Ahafet Abjawdi Hussein Al Gebra
(we'll refer to him as Wahid in this article) actually
lived with Al-Baghdadi for several months in 2014 and
has quite a tale to tell.
Wahid's story began in London where his family
emigrated when he was four years old. "Like a lot of other
immigrants we ended up in a bad part of London living in
council housing supported by government cheques. We
emigrated for purely economic reasons of course and my
father made it clear from the first that he despised the West
in general and Great Britain in particular. He taught us
from an early age to pretend to be loyal while amongst the
the infidels while at home he constantly complained about
how filthy British society was. What people in the West
do not understand is that we consider ourselves so superior
that we find ideas like assimilation and diversity
preposterous. We had a lot of laughs watching labor
politicians talk about welcoming asylum seekers. My
father would laugh and say 'Wait until we destroy your
society and you become the asylum seeker --you will
see what kind of welcome we will give to you!'
"Yet despite my father's hard work I strayed from the
true path and ended up like most young British men
drinking lager and chasing British whores; until one day
I was driving down the road and this weird feeling came
over me, like DNA kicking in. Since that day I have been
thinking, acting and looking just like my father --since
then, I have not shaved my beard even once!
So along comes ISIS. I was skeptical at first but after
seeing so much success I knew that was where I belonged.
In no time I am in Syria in the trenches in the thick of the
fighting. I found combat exhilarating but have to admit
when I was approached about a 'special task' a lump came
up in my throat. I was at peace about participating in a
what I thought at the time to be a righteous suicide
mission but have to admit that suicide is not a lot of fun.
Anyway, I was dealing with it when some brothers
come by my unit, blindfold me, put me in a truck and
drive all day. Finally, the blindfold comes off, I jump
out and see a modest home in the desert. I am led to
the doorway and standing there with a big grin is the
Emir of the Islamic State! It was awesome!
There is no formality with this guy, he immediately
tells me to sit down, relax, and even brings me tea
himself! So he tells me he's heard good things about me
and needs to me to stay with him to translate some
sensitive documents which are for his eyes only. Let
me tell you, this was a dream job for an ISIS boy like
me.
At first I was all work and no play, very serious working
on translating English documents all day long but Abu
tells me 'No hurry, no hurry. Come play Scrabble with me.'
Believe it or not, Arabic Scrabble is his favorite past time.
I cannot count the many times we played together he
loves it so much. Sometimes we would get into heated
arguments during the games. I would say Abu, you know
that is not a real word. No way. Then Abu would say
'Wahid, I declare that this is not just a word, it is the
mother of all words! I declare this to all the people in
the Islamic State, to all the infidels, to all the people
living by the Sea, to all those living in the mountains,
in the swamps, in the forest and in the North Pole, to
all the people who have ever lived, are living now, or
who will ever be born of any womb, I declare that this
is a real word, has always been a real word and will
always be a real word. I declare it!'
Another surprising thing is Abu's music. He is really
into Primus. All day long I hear 'Winona Big Brown
Beaver, Winona Big Brown Beaver' so I ask Abu, why
do you listen to decadent infidel music and he says 'Oh
it is important to research the enemy' --that is what he
says but I think he just likes to jam to Primus. Well,
this goes on all day, all night I hear nothing but 'Winona
Big Brown Beaver, Winona Big Brown Beaver' so finally
I say Abu, will you turn that shit down! Let me tell you,
Abu's servants their eyes grow so big you think they are
going to pop out! They say 'Wahid, you cannot speak to
him that way. Do you not know he will chop off your
head for speaking to him that way? Why, you even tell
him his words are not real Scrabble words! You must
know, Wahid, your days are numbered!'
Ok, so you are interviewing me now and you look at
me like I am not knowing what I talk about, but I assure
you Abu is a nice guy. Why, he is even a cat person. Not
many people know that. I could not get a drink of water
in that house without tripping over five cats! Abu
definitely has an unusual relationship with cats. I often
heard him talking to them, asking them questions like 'Well,
my kitty friend, should I attack here, or there? Am I
walking into a trap? Yes, my kitty friend, I agree. I
need more information. Then I will know. Thank you,
my kitty friend. I thank you. '
Since being captured I see things differently. Isis is
wrong. They have gone too far. They must be stopped. But
you must forgive me if I continue to be sentimental about
my buddy Abu. You see all Abut ever wanted was to be a
social worker. When you think about it, he has
100-percent of the traits of the typical social worker. He
has a controlling personality, is just a big self-righteous
and of course he likes to report people. Growing up in
Iraq he dreamed from childhood of social work. But you
see at that time in order to become a social worker you
had to have a large bribe in order to get into Iraqi social
work school, something his family did not have. If only
someone had supported him at the time it would have
saved the world a lot of trouble! I think of Abu now as
a social worker for the Middle East. Really, if some
government were to offer him a social work job now I
strongly believe he would resign from his present
position and switch over to controlling others' lives in a
manner to which most people in the West have
become quite used to.'
Sadly, shortly after this interview we learned that Al-
Baghdadi did execute a follower during a heated
argument over a Scrabble word.